by Nelson
It’s that time of the year again. We’ve got our Balsam Hill Stratford Spruce up, we’ve got eggnog in the fridge, we’ve got elf and Santa hats for the animals, and we’ve got a well thought out schedule of classic holiday viewing lined up to get us through the upcoming weeks. To say I love this time of year is an understatement. I’ve got a birthday seven days before the 25th, and I’m a beloved only child. You wouldn’t believe the toy stashes I’ve managed to accumulate on a yearly basis. But, of course, there’s more to the season than the Batman toys. Heck, there’s even more to the season than putting Santa hats on action figures and affixing Cobra Commander to the star on our tree. I’m not entirely materialistic. Sooner or later, you reach a point where giving is just as gratifying as receiving unless you’re a cold hearted bastard like Mr. Potter.
Giving and family and all of that Hallmark movie stuff is great, but Christmas episodes of my favorite shows are as essential to the season as letting your heart grow three sizes. So let’s kick off the holidays at DoubtFire with a look at three of my most essential episodes of merriment.
You have to commend the writers for the title. The Cobra CLAW, a heavily armed hang glider contraption, is hardly the focus, but it provides a clever name for the G.I. Joe Christmas episode. As awesome as the CLAW may be, it’s not nearly as fantastic as Cobra Commander’s Christmassiest plan ever. Using Destro’s latest gadget, the serpentine army shrinks themselves to action figure size to hide in the presents the Joe team has collected for all the sick kids. It’s an unconventional take on the old Trojan Horse strategy and a textbook example of what a megalomaniacal genius the Commander is.
Absurd as it may be, the plan actually works, and, after flipping the switch on Destro’s contraption from “shrink” to “grow,” the fully sized Cobra armies overtake Joe HQ without too much fuss. It’s as decisive a victory as you’ll ever see Cobra get in the cartoons. The good guys are chained up in a walk-in freezer and forced to helplessly watch the bad guys steal their weapons and vehicles. What a holiday special. Whenever I write my annual letters to Santa, I always make sure to ask for a new Cobra Commander world conquering campaign. I must have been on the mythical Extra Good list the year this came out because it gives not one, but two of the head snake’s brilliantly convoluted schemes.
In addition to shrinking everyone down, he intends to use the Joe vehicles to bomb Keystone City – depriving Americans everywhere of cheap beer. Sadly, the spirit of the season overcomes Cobra Commander, and, right before he heads out to turn the world against G.I. Joe forever, he decides to gift the imprisoned Joes with the keys to their handcuffs instead of doing something obvious like reducing his enemies to defenseless miniatures. Of course, his inability to pass up on a gift giving opportunity turns out to be his undoing. The Real American Heroes promptly escape, use the size altering ray on Shipwreck’s parrot, causing it to grow to gigantic proportions because giant parrots that sing Jingle Bells are horrifying, and save the day with enough time to make it back to base for Christmas Dinner.
Dammit, Cobra Commander.
Nevertheless, Cobra Claws Are Coming to Town packs an incredible amount of Yuletide Splendor into 20 minutes. Toy sized troops, villainous Christmas gifts gone awry, and giant parrots all in the span of twenty minutes….it is legitimately the gift that keeps on giving.
King of the Hill has a penchant for doing low-key holiday episodes that revolve around Arlenite Arlenian Antics and keep the holiday, itself, in the background. In this one, the Hills are trying to organize a Christmas party (complete with Secret Santa!) when their home’s elderly former resident shows up. She walks through the ranch style rambler, reminiscing about all of her fun family memories like that time her sister suffered a heart attack and died while trying to crawl her way out of Bobby’s bedroom. A truly hilarious Peggy Hill moment occurs when the three time, three time, three time Substitute of the Year claims to be out of coffee before mysteriously finding a whole tin in the cabinet the second Ms. Wakefield compliments her.
Unfortunately, Ms. Wakefield hasn’t just shown up to walk down memory lane. She’s old, and she’s ready to die, and she’s bound and determined to die in the house she grew up in – the Hills and their party be damned.
When she refuses to leave and stubbornly tries to die in the closet and behind the tree, Hank calls the cops and winds up looking like a big propane powered Grinch right in front of the Rainey Street residents. Arrest doesn’t deter Ms. Wakefield, though. The lady straight up fakes her death in a desperate attempt to meet the reaper at her old house. After Hank and Peggy leave Bobby home alone, a hilarious horror movie style sequence occurs when Ms. Wakefield successfully breaks in. Hank finally relents and agrees to let the demented elder die at the Christmas party, but, moved by the holiday spirit and the hope of getting Bill for Secret Santa next year, Ms. Wakefield decides to participate in the party rather than die beside the tree.
I always try to add a touch of humor to any article I write here, but, frankly, it’s very tough to do that with this episode. I suppose somewhere in the back of my mind there’s a joke to be made about how Henry Carwin, a very drunk department store Santa, tries to grab a bottle of liquor while a bartender has his back turned before resuming his post at the store and falling down in front of all the kids. He’s immediately fired by his boss Mr. Dundee, played by the consistently amazing John Fielder. Henry getting to meet the young Percival Smithers, who just wants a new first name for Christmas, is pretty funny, but truth is that Rod Serling’s tale of a golden hearted and recently unemployed Father Christmas is legitimately one of the most beautiful and moving holiday episodes I’ve ever seen.
“Night of the Meek” is good enough to stand alongside movies like Scrooged and Batman Returns as absolutely essential December viewing each year at our house. I may miss a few 20-minute TV specials here and there, depending on what’s going on from one season to the next, but a year without fighting back tears as I sip eggnog and watch Henry use his magical gift giving Santa bag to live out his lifelong wish of spreading happiness and cheer through the slums of the city is absolutely unfathomable. No matter what the request is, Henry’s more than glad to reach into his bag and hand it over. Initially, his former boss suspects him of shoplifting and gets him arrested. But it doesn’t take Mr. Dundee and Officer Flaherty long to realize that they’re dealing with “a most unusual bag” when Carwin immediately produces a bottle of cherry brandy, vintage 1903, for his irate former boss.
The episode concludes with Henry becoming the new Santa Claus and flying off in a reindeer drawn sleigh while a delighted and inebriated Mr. Dundee and Officer Flaherty look on and muse about Christmas miracles, as perfect an ending as anyone could ever ask for. There’s simply no way to joke about it; Rod Serling was a truly brilliant writer.
Usually, when I write anything, I like to go over the first draft and run a search on words I may have overused. Considering how many times “Christmas” occurs in this one, I’m not going to bother. You can’t really talk about Christmas without saying Chrsitmas. Christmas. Happy Holidays!
Doubtfire 