by Nelson
I don’t know for sure, but I’d hazard a guess that Stephen King probably wishes he never wrote Children of the Corn. I imagine the tale of a small town taken over by murderous, corn worshipping kids has probably made him some pretty decent money, particularly for a short story, but to be doomed to having your name forever appear in the opening credits of every single direct-to-video sequel that makes up the immense series has to be comparable to that guy who had to spend the afterlife with an eagle eating his liver forever and ever. Even after the author of novels like It and The Stand and Misery has passed on, Children of the Corn 18: The Produce Aisle of Blood is going to be “based on a short story by Stephen King.”
I read the story back in middle school, and it didn’t really do all that much for me. I can’t say that I’ve gone back and read it more than once or twice, and I can’t even say that I was a huge fan of the original film even if it did have Sarah Connor in it. Maybe I was too young to fully appreciate the horror of a society controlled by kids, maybe I just couldn’t get my head around seeing the woman who stood her ground against The Terminator being terrified by a bunch of demented Amish pre-teens. Either way, I didn’t look any further than the first movie and the first story when it came to getting my fix of Isaac and Malachi. But as time went on, I developed a fascination with braving my way through the numerous direct-to-video horror sequels that gave less successful theatrical flicks like Leprechaun and Hellraiser life after the big screen… for better or for worse. The Hellraiser movies have more ups than downs, and the Leprechauns are an absolute blast, but the Children of the Corn movies are a whole lot like a sackful of corn seed left out back in a dingy shed for too long – a mixed bag.
Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest is my favorite of the lot. That’s not saying it’s good. I mean, I’m the guy who devoted over a thousand words to the slight merits of Jaws: The Revenge. Recently. But, despite the fact that the cassette box blatantly misspells Freddy’s name, Urban Harvest is a lot of fun. It’s one of the few movies in the seemingly endless stream of sequels that makes an attempt to freshen up the mythology with a plot that involves two foster brothers from Nebraska, Joshua and Eli, being transplanted into the city. The kids are put up for adoption after Eli, the younger and eviler of the pair, uses the Corn Bible to conjure up a lethal crop that proceeds to wrap around their drunken father and turn him into a big ole scarecrow staked right in the middle of the cornfield. The boys are quickly taken in by a young couple in downtown Chicago. Joshua adapts to his surroundings and starts to abandon all the wacky beliefs his adoptive brother instilled in him, but Eli doesn’t cope so well at his new high school.
Because we’re in downtown Chicago, the boys’ school is “urban” to an absurdly stereotypical degree. By the time Eli has used his corn seeds of doom to enslave the student body, the movie almost feels like a weird version of Dangerous Minds and leaves me desperately wishing that Weird Al’s “Amish Paradise” was a part of the soundtrack. Everything comes to a head when it’s revealed that young Eli hasn’t aged since 1964, and we get a big, epic showdown between the two foster brothers when Joshua decides to bring an end to the corn cult. Sadly, that’s only the beginning, and Children of the Corn III concludes with one of the most bizarre and ridiculous endings that you’re going to find in a horror flick. Oh it’s not the worst ending ever, but it’s certainly up there. I’ll get to that in a bit, though. Here are some of my favorite parts of Urban Harvest.
The Children of the Corn movies tend to alternate between “evil kids killing people” and “evil corn killing people.” Urban Harvest is one of the corn killing entries, and it boasts the most ruthless kernels of the series. It makes sense, too. Eli grows the stuff in the city; it has overcome concrete and bad soil to prosper. Of course it’s the roughest, toughest, and most pissed off corn imaginable. Not only does it nearly rip the arms right off of Joshua’s father while it’s crucifying him at Eli’s behest, not only is it capable of decapitating a man, but its seeds also boast mind control properties that allow Evil Eli to convert everyone in the school to the adult killing gospel of He Who Walks Behind the Rows. It’s also capable of giving people bad dreams and making poor high school principals/priests randomly spit up blood. I’m not sure I’ll ever go near a bag of popcorn again after seeing these unholy stalks in action.
I’m not really sure that I fully understand the sort of school that Joshua and Eli are sent to after being adopted. It looks like a “typical” school as far as 90s movies go, but a guy named Father Frank runs the place with his priest collar on full display. If we’re supposed to think we’re at a Catholic school, then it’s certainly a very lax and unique one. But, if it’s just a regular old city school, then why are the students required to attend sermons administered by the principal? It sort of seems like the priest element is present to give Eli a man of the cloth to play off of, and the sermons serve to give the boy a platform for sharing his unique beliefs with his schoolmates. Father Frank is driven so far that, at one point, he furiously grabs a Bible and throws it right at his nemesis. Afterwards, the poor principal becomes a walking target when the boy preacher has sold the whole school on how awful anyone over the age of 18 is. And, you know, Eli may have a point, because if Children of the Corn III has anything in abundance, it’s:
R.L. Stine serving as a script supervisor is an extremely feasible idea considering how no one but the foster mom, the priest, and Joshua notices that Eli is up to no good – despite the fact that he has legitimately started up a cult at the school and grown supernatural corn outside of an old, abandoned warehouse. The teachers and administrators at the Not Quite Catholic School think everything is awesome because no one is causing any trouble or fighting anymore. Foster Dad is so enamored with the monetary possibilities super corn offers that he doesn’t notice that his wife is being increasingly tormented by horrible visions like bugs in suitcases; the man hardly even bats an eye when his bride winds up with a pipe through her skull while trying to run from the city cornfield. Not only is he obsessed with how much money he’s about to make, but he’s planning on maximizing his profits by going behind his company’s back to offer up the investment opportunity to a higher bidder, and the man isn’t even under any sort of horrible spell. Turns out that he’s just a bit of a bastard.
Urban Harvest really isn’t that bad. Sure, it’s a little silly, but Eli makes for a surprisingly effective villain, and there’s a decent enough build to the big climax with Joshua finally turning against his brother and bringing an end to his wicked ways. That would’ve made for a solid ending. But, instead, we get an absolutely ridiculous finale when He Who Walks Behind the Rows shows up and is revealed to be a woefully cheap looking tentacled worm monster. I’ve seen a lot of bad effects in horror movies, and this one is bottom of the barrel – even for a direct to video flick. Joshua’s girlfriend blatantly transforms into a Barbie doll when the nefarious beast chows down on her, and the whole thing is hilariously brought to an end when Joshua takes a sickle to the corn god’s roots and kills it.
Things wrap up with the reveal that Eli’s cursed grains have begun to ship out and will surely wreak havoc on the world. Even from the perspective of an extremely casual fan of the series, that’s a pretty cool idea. But, in the spirit of pretty much every DTV sequel out there, this plot point is never mentioned or revisited ever again. Aside from the one where they bring Isaac back an adult, all of the Children sequels after this pretty blatantly existed as non-Corn movies before someone at the studio found a way to work in the murderous kids and their bloody cornfields.
Doubtfire 