Saturdays in the Cemetery with Stine

by Nelson

Reader Beware; You’re in for a Scare!

Join us as DoubtFire ventures into the terrifying world of zombies, werewolves, egg monsters, and annoying siblings that is GOOSEBUMPS. 

Goosebumps #28 –
The Cuckoo Clock of Doom

Well. Here we go. The Cuckoo Clock of Doom is my favorite Goosebumps book ever. I couldn’t put it down the first time I read it. It was nerve-wracking. It was frustrating. The story cruelly snatches defeat from the jaws of victory over and over again, and, honestly, it still gets to me. The difference today is that yelling at and throwing an R.L. Stine book across your office at work gets a very different reaction than it did back in Mrs. Brady’s fifth-grade classroom. 

Michael Webster is the main character, narrator, and constant victim to his evil little sister, Tara. Tara is the most hateable Goosebumps character of all time. I’d go so far to say that she’s one of the most hateable villains of all time. She opens all of the presents at her older brother’s 12^th birthday party and purposely embarrasses him in front of Mona – a “sort of cute” girl with “something sort of cool about her.” But that’s only the seven-year-old hellion’s opening act. She goes on to wreck Michael’s shiny new bicycle and, in the big coup de grâce, trips him and sends him face first into his own birthday cake in front of everyone. Michael looks up from the floor, covered in cake, to see Mona pointing and laughing at him. On top of all of that, the poor boy ends up getting scolded by his parents for not being nice enough to his saintly little sister – even though Tara commits all of these heinous atrocities in full-view of her parents and every guest at the party.

The unworldly weirdness of Goosebumps kicks off when Mr. Webster brings home an antique cuckoo clock that he’s obsessed over for years after the owner of the local antique shop discovered a “tiny flaw” and cut him a deal. Determined to frame his sister and enjoy the sweet taste of vengeance, Michael grabs the mechanical cuckoo when it pops out and turns its head around backwards. The next day, he finds himself reliving his disastrous birthday party all over again. He tries to anticipate and counteract Tara’s shenanigans, but Stine subscribes to the Lost “whatever happened, happened” rule of time travel. So Michael spends the next few mornings traveling further and further back in time and helplessly reliving one prank after the other. 

The daily trek through history starts to gain speed, and Michael eventually wakes up to discover that his evil little sister hasn’t even been born yet. But he’s also back in grammar school and finding out what a hateful little girl Mona once was. He realizes that he’s got to get to the cuckoo clock and turn the bird’s head back around or else he’ll wind up disappearing too! Tara’s out of the picture, but The Cuckoo Clock of Doom gets even more stressful when Michael’s efforts to get back to the clock are repeatedly blocked by well-meaning adults who don’t think a preschooler should be roaming the city unattended, and, yes, this is literally the first appearance of responsible adults in the whole series. 

Time continues to move backwards, and Michael ends up in a crib getting his diaper changed. In a riveting finale, Baby Michael manages to reach the clock when his parents take him to the local antique shop. He gets away from Mr. and Mrs. Webster, and, at the very last minute, successfully turns the bird’s head around. He’s immediately transported back to his 12^th birthday party, but Tara is missing. It turns out that the clock’s “tiny flaw” is a missing year on its date dial – the year Tara was born! The seven-year-old Satan doesn’t exist anymore! Truly one of the most triumphant moments in Literature. 

It’s still a page-turner. Tara is still unbearable, and I still sleep a little easier at night knowing that she’s helplessly caught in the unrelenting grip of time. I hope she stays there forever. 

I didn’t see Tara pressed against the wall. I didn’t see her stick her bratty little foot in the doorway.

I tripped. The cake flew out of my hands.

I landed on top of the cake. Facedown. Of course.

Some kids gasped. Some tried to muffle their laughter.

I sat up and wiped the brown frosting from my eyes.

The first face I saw was Mona’s. She was shaking with laughter.

Mom leaned over and scolded me. “What a mess! Michael, why don’t you look where you’re going?”