by Nelson
Reader Beware; You’re in for a Scare!
DoubtFire ventures into the terrifying world of zombies, werewolves, egg monsters, and annoying siblings that is GOOSEBUMPS.
I hated Legend of the Lost Legend with a passion. I swore off the series way back in 1996 because of this book. It felt like the biggest waste of time, pages, and brain power ever. I didn’t expect to feel differently a few decades later, but I didn’t expect Tatanka to side with Ted DiBiase and join the Million Dollar Corporation, either. Somehow, some way this one clicked for me. I got it. Maybe I should have read it twice back in the day. I may not have donated all the books to the school library and saved myself a few hundred dollars a little money in the process when I grew up and decided I needed a second helping of Monster Blood.
The book opens up in the midst of a third-person adventure in Antarctica. Justin Clarke and his younger sister Marissa get stranded on a block of ice right in the middle of the Arctic Ocean before you even get a chance to meet their irresponsible parents or the neighborhood bullies. Right about the time you’re thinking “wow this is certainly unexpected” the narrative shifts to first-person, and the entire opening affair is revealed to be a story from Mr. Clarke – world class traveler, adventurer, and collector of folklore and legends. For some reason, Mr. Clarke gets a kick out of making up stories about his kids in peril.
Justin and Marissa are out with their dad exploring the remote forests of the remote country of Brovania. Mr. Clarke is in search of a treasure chest that contains the mysterious Lost Legend that everyone’s talking about even though no one knows what it is. The kids wind up following a wolf named Silverdog deep into the Fantasy Forest section of the woods where they meet Ivanna – the imposing Viking lady on the cover. Ivanna lives in a tiny house with a big, hairy man who acts like a dog named Luka. She’s got the treasure chest that everyone’s looking for, and she’s ready to hand it over as soon as Justin and Marissa pass a “survival test.”
The onslaught of insanity keeps coming at a rapid fire pace when Marissa and Justin inexplicably wake up in the middle of the woods with a pair of backpacks and written instructions to follow Luka in order to pass the test. So, Luka immediately runs off, and the kids are engulfed by an army of mechanical mice. Shortly after they find their way out of that situation, a pair of giant cats show up to eat them. Thankfully, the cats get distracted by the wind-up mice, and the sibling duo find their way back to Ivanna’s cabin only to discover that she’s a wind-up toy as well. It turns out that Luka isn’t a mandog at all; he’s the man behind the Fantasy Forest curtain, and he’s overjoyed to reward the Clarke siblings with the treasure chest they’re in search of.
Mr. Clarke is super excited when his kids show up with the chest – until he opens it up and finds a big ole egg inside. It turns out that the whole survival test ordeal was a silly misunderstanding. Luka doesn’t even have The Lost Legend. That belongs to a community of folks in brown robes who live by the river. The riverfolk don’t stick around long enough for us to find out whether or not they’re living off a steady diet of government cheese, either. As soon as the Clarkes show up, they hand over The Lost Legend, pack up their stuff, and head out.
With their bizarre adventure finally over, the treasure hunting family start to head back to camp, but, when they decide to take a look at The Lost Legend and finally learn what it’s all about, they discover the horrible truth: whoever possesses The Lost Legend will be LOST FOREVER! Oh noooooooo!
I can’t believe how wrong I was. The wall-to-wall, pure, unadulterated madness contained within this book’s pages is quintessential Goosebumps. R.L. Stine may as well be the deranged mandog behind the curtain, and, dammit, Legend of the Lost Legend may be his masterpiece.
And then I saw the twin pairs of yellow eyes.
And I recognized the shapes of the heads. And I knew I was staring at cats.
Cats!
Black cats. Huge heads rising over the trees. Tails curling up like smoke from chimneys.
Two giant black cats, their paws thundering over the forest, shaking the ground and the trees. Their yellow eyes locked on Marissa and me.
Doubtfire 