by Nelson
I don’t care what people say about it; I’m glad I watch wrestling. I’ve had so much fun with it over the years – from channeling my inner Macho Man and pointing at people while twirling my finger in elementary school to walking through the halls of middle school and getting a few nWo salutes before class. Then, of course, there were the wars against DeGeneration-X and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin t-shirts in high school and the Internet debates over who and what killed WCW in college. Life without professional wrestling would be strange and much less exciting. Who knows what I would have turned to in its place? Beanie Babies? Pokemon cards? Anime? The possibilities are absolutely terrifying. But thankfully my dad’s side of the family made sure that I knew all about rasslin’ and all the wondrous things it had to offer.
The world of the squared circle is extremely diverse. You’ve got the “scientific” match-ups with lots of holds and counters; you’ve got encounters where things explode and guys break lightbulbs over other guys’ heads, and you’ve even got folks these days going out and having matches with blow-up dolls and nine-year-olds. Sometimes characters and storylines are played for laughs. Sometimes matches are presented with life or death stakes that the audience is supposed to take super seriously. There’s a pretty broad spectrum of different ways to approach the stuff some like to call sports entertainment. Personally, I try to look for merits in whatever I’m watching. I may have trouble finding redeeming value in someone rolling around in the ring with an inanimate object, but, dammit, I love it when wrestling gets a little bit silly. Wacky characters and hokey storylines aren’t everyone’s cup of tea, but I’ll drink a whole pitcher of silliness and ask for seconds. So let’s take a look at some of my favorite moments of ringside ridiculousness.
I’m not the only fan who remembers the Booger Man, and I’m far from the first one to devote a few words to the world’s grossest grappler. But, the fact is, this guy deserves any attention he gets. He was truly a sight to behold. I wish he could’ve come in when the business was stronger – not because I think he’d have any more success or longevity. I just feel that a larger audience deserved to see the episode of Monday Night RAW where Bastion Booger orders pizza while providing guest commentary. I can’t even write that sentence without stifling a laugh. The man behind the Booger was a mainstay of the first year or so of RAW and initially appeared as Fryer Ferguson – a wrestling monk. But Vince has a thing for large men in unflattering ring attire, so it wasn’t long before the Fryer was putting tight grey straps across his torso and recording one of the best mostly forgotten wrestling themes ever, “The Booger Man.” I wish I could say he stuck around for years, but it didn’t take long for him to fizzle out. You can only spend so many minutes on commentary talking about how disgusting the “hump” on a fat guy’s back is.
Before he was Mortis, Chris Kanyon earned my eternal appreciation when he and a guy named Mark Starr showed up on WCW TV as a pair of wrestling construction workers. Wrestlers with side gigs were a big thing at the time. A lot of people roll their eyes at it now, but I think they lack perspective. Saying that business was down in the mid-nineties is like saying that Scott Hall enjoyed the occasional beer. It made perfect sense for the boys to try and supplement their dwindling paychecks with race car driving or sanitation work. Kanyon and Starr’s primary role was to show up and lose to more established tag teams. But they didn’t lose because they weren’t good in the ring. These two lost because they were so caught up with their construction work that they’d get confused and start measuring the ropes or even fall asleep after an exhausting day on the site. That’s what made Men at Work stand out. Kanyon and Starr brought a hilarious attention to detail to the gimmick in a way others didn’t, and I loved them for it. You didn’t see Bob Holly showing up to matches bandaged up because he had a wreck on the racetrack, and Man Mountain Rock didn’t wrestle on Superstars selling a hangover or forcing Todd Pettengill remove the brown M&Ms from his candy bowl. The boys of Men at Work made you believe that you may actually catch one of them on the side of the road holding an orange “Slow” sign and angrily shaking his fist at motorists who fail to comply.
The Undertaker is one of the most celebrated characters in modern pro-wrestling history, and there’s no denying that he’s earned it. Taking a gimmick like “you’re a dead guy” and making it a work for as long as he did is no small feat. But, there’s also no denying that he has been a part of lots and lots of silly moments in and out of the ring. He once possessed Josh Matthews to talk smack to Randy Orton. He ritualistically sacrificed Dennis Knight. The Deadman has been murdered and has committed murder on multiple occasions, and he and his little brother Kane can even shoot lightning bolts at innocent bystanders. But my first experience with Taker’s mind bending mystical powers came at the end of the 1994 Royal Rumble’s World Title match. The Phenom was set to challenge the mighty champion, Yokozuna, in a casket match – which, for the laymen, means that he needed to put Yoko in a casket to win. Sounds easy enough for a zombie who moonlights as a mortician. I was so into the build for this match. We learned that the champion was terrified of coffins, and we learned that Taker had specially constructed a “double deep, double wide” pine box to stuff him in. I just knew that I was finally going to get to see the evil wrestling version of E. Honda lose the championship. But, thanks to a bunch of bad guys running out and attacking, The Undertaker wound up being sealed in his own casket. Then, the Demon of Death Valley appeared on the ’94 version of the Titan Tron and gave a speech about how he’d never die. Then he died. Then, he rose from the top of the Titan Tron and ascended to Heaven. Don’t worry, though. The Phenom swapped his grey gloves for purple ones and resurrected himself a few months later to fight his evil twin.
It seemed best to consolidate all of the antics surrounding WCW’s 1995 edition of their famous (and much missed) Halloween Havoc event. The build to the show consisted of The Giant running down Hulk Hogan’s motorcycle with a monster truck while leaning out the window and cackling. Then, after being attacked by the Dungeon of Doom, the Hulkster was driven to “the dark side, brother” and started wearing all black and cutting promos with prop swords. Then, a giant mummy called The Yeti broke out of an iceberg to attack Hogan and Randy Savage on WCW Monday Nitro. At the big event, Hulk Hogan battled The Giant in a monster truck showdown atop the Joe Louis Arena and wound up tossing his immense opponent right off the roof to certain death. Then, The Giant showed up later in the show for his main event match against the orange destroyer as if nothing happened. The show ended with The Giant and The Yeti hugging and, oddly enough, humping Hogan.
Halloween Havoc 1995 is one of my favorite wrestling shows ever, and I’ll be a Yetimaniac until the day I die.
How could I call the hottest feud and maybe even the most anticipated match of the 90s silly? The story of Sting vs Hollywood Hogan is amazing. Everyone knows it. After finally developing a long term memory and deciding to take issue with guys like Lex Luger and Ric Flair (who double crossed him countless times), the Stinger swapped his bright colors for black and white, painted his face up like Brandon Lee, and spent over a year silently hanging out in arena rafters across the country – haunting Hulk Hogan and the nWo. The build was masterful, especially for an era that was beginning to drift away from angles that stretched across months, much less a year. But, then the match happened, and it wasn’t just silly. It was absurd. We finally got to the main event, and over twelve months of storytelling paid off with a rusty Sting who wasn’t motivated enough to even put on his jacket properly and clearly hadn’t spent the past year, or even the past month, hitting the gym getting beaten from pillar to post by the villainous Hogan. Even though he came out of the match as the winner, the mystique of the brooding WCW avenger was gone, and what should have been a pretty straight forward finale to the feud became a convoluted mess that started a company at its peak of success down a path that led to its demise a mere three years later .
Calling the Road Dogg “silly” is an insult to the word. This guy was ridiculous. His offense was awful. His video game counterparts in Wrestlemania 2000 and No Mercy were stupidly overpowered. He was the worst Armstrong, and those are all the words I’m going to waste on him. Oh, and his tattoos are atrocious. Stupid Road Dogg.
I’m all for the epic showdowns between long standing rivals. I’m all for the back and forth exchanges that go for nearly an hour. I can appreciate the Bret Harts of the business just as much as I appreciated the Kevin Nashes. But if I don’t get my proper dose of silliness in the squared circle, then I’m turning the show off and pulling up clips of The Yeti on YouTube.
If you like old school wrestling as much as I do, check out Wrestling’s Glory Days on Facebook!
Doubtfire 
I never understood why a mummy would be in an iceberg or have the name “Yeti” or turn into a ninja. I take it you’re not a fan of Kenny Omega.
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Let’s face it: there were many magical, wonderful things about The Yeti. I mean. He’s a ninja mummy who lives in an iceberg. Or would it be mummy ninja?
I actually do like Kenny! I thought his last big run with Callis was pretty fun.
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