by Nelson
Reader Beware; You’re in for a Scare!
Join us as DoubtFire ventures into the terrifying world of zombies, werewolves, egg monsters, and annoying siblings that is GOOSEBUMPS.
Why I’m Afraid of Bees
Why I’m Afraid of Bees is another one of the series entries that I didn’t like too much when I was a kid but found myself enjoying as an adult. I found a copy a few years back at a thrift store, and it wound up becoming my first Goosebumps in twenty-five years. I understand why I didn’t like it as a kid. It features one of Stine’s most unfortunate and downtrodden characters ever – Gary Lutz. His never ending series of daily frustrations drove me up a wall in the same way that Jamie Lee Curtis throwing the knife down in Halloween drove an entire generation of people to yell “Stupid bitch!” at the screen. It was just so…infuriating. Gary is awful at everything and bullied by everyone. His little sister, his little sister’s cat, his adult next door neighbor, and even his parents get in on the action. With older eyes, though, it’s pretty funny to see what the author is willing to subject this kid too, and it leaves me wondering what sort of awful childhood poor R.L. must’ve had.
So Lutz the Klutz has a miserable life and seems to be the most despised kid in town. His middle aged neighbor is an amateur beekeeper who relentlessly picks on him. Being regularly bullied by someone more than twice your age seems a bit extreme, but Gary’s got extremely bad luck. Within a few paragraphs, it’s made clear that we’re not going to be getting the tried and true boy/girl duo in this story. We’re not even getting the one sympathetic best friend like Carly Beth had in The Haunted Mask. Gary Lutz has zero friends. He’s got a crush on a classmate named Kaitlyn, but she points and laughs at him when he wrecks his bike trying to wave to her. Three local bullies – Barry, Marv, and Karl – subject him to near daily assaults that leave The Klutz battered, bruised, and forced to hide his bloody nose from his mother. The fact that he hasn’t plunged into a deep, prolonged depression after being kicked around by the world so much astounds me, but Gary takes comfort in “taco chips” and an early 90s version of an Internet forum where he gets video game tips because, like everything else, he’s pretty terrible at those, too.
After seeing an ad for “Person-to-Person Vacations” while browsing the discussion board, Gary heads into town and learns all about the new local business that specializes in swapping around people’s minds so they can take vacations from themselves. Of course a guy with a life like Gary’s finds that idea very appealing, so he signs up and quickly gets the opportunity to occupy the body of a cool and popular kid named Dirk Davis. Dirk is bad at Math and needs Gary to take a test for him. I sure wish I tried out this service when I was taking Precalculus. Anyway, when it’s time to make the big exchange, a bee flies in, and things go haywire. The bee winds up in Dirk’s body; Dirk gets Gary’s body, and Lutz the Klutz once again draws the short straw and discovers that his mind is in a bee. Even as an insect, he’s still bullied. Other bees keep showing up and try forcing him back into the hive to harvest honey. Ultimately, our downtrodden hero discovers that Dirk, as Gary, has beaten up the three bullies and is chilling with Kaitlyn on a regular basis. He’s also not the least bit interested in going back to his old life. This ushers in one of the most abrupt endings of the series when the infuriated boy bee stings his imposter right on the nose, remembers that stinging is fatal to bees, and drops to the floor. Before you get a chance to reflect on the fact that Stine has just killed a character who is somehow also narrating the book, Gary wakes up in his old body thanks to “the shock of the sting” – which has also transported Dirk and the bee back to their original bodies as well. Lutz the Klutz enjoys his newfound popularity, and the book ends with him taking a moment to suck some pollen out of a flower.
Ending aside, one of the strangest things about this book is its title. Despite the fact that Gary, himself, starts his story with “this is why I’m afraid of bees,” it’s actually the story of how he got over it. To this day, I’ve got absolutely zero idea why Gary Lutz was afraid of bees.
I only had time to blink as I watched a huge, mean-looking fist heading right for my nose.
A long, painful ten minutes later, I walked through the back door of my house. Fortunately, my mom was somewhere upstairs. She didn’t see my bloody nose, scratched, bruised arms, and torn shirt.
Doubtfire 